You're probably a bad host if:

1 - you invite us over, don't tell us where you live & later ask us why we aren't there. Really??
2 - you don't even come outside to get us. That's nice. It's totally not dark or scary outside.
3 - you do not provide snacks or drank.
4 - you help yourself to our bottle of the finest wine $5 can buy.
5 - WE invite you over and entice you with nachos & wine and you STILL say no. We said we were in our underwear, is that not enough?

Kudos for not getting mad when one of us spilled red wine all over the place. And for kinda finding it funny when we tried to hide your car keys. AND for managing to go pretty much the whole night with one shoe on, it really speaks to your character.